Now for something completely different here on Fuller FM!
Football has had its fair share of amusing monikers over the years – from the 19th-century England forward Harry Daft to the aptly-named Celtic flop Rafael Scheidt, via the iconic Paraguayan right-back Chiqui Arce. And as that very real Championship Manager advert from 1996 shows, the Premier League used to be full of innuendo!
There are over 600,000 people in the Football Manager database, so there are bound to be plenty of weird, wacky and wonderful names. Many of these can even be passed onto newly-generated players, so the possibilities for amusing names are truly endless.
Today, I’ll be looking at some of the more unusual names you can find on FM22. I’ll tell the tales of the players behind the names, and even explain some of their origins. Any name that sounds very suggestive in English probably means something perfectly innocent in its native language…
ARGEL
We start with one of THE iconic names in FM history. Many of us were making quips about Argel’s surname way back on Championship Manager 99/00, when he was playing at centre-half for Porto. It even spawned this great Eurosport headline when he joined arch-rivals Benfica in 2001. However, I tend not to use profanities on Fuller FM, so I’m trying hard not to repeat it here.
Despite the obvious ‘double entendre’, this surname actually derives from Fuchs – the German word for fox (which incidentally makes Leicester’s Christian Fuchs the most aptly-named Premier League champion ever). Several other European surnames have similar vulpine origins, such as De Vos, Renard and Volpi.
But hang on… why’s it spelt with a ‘K’? Well, it turns out there was a mistake at the registry office in southern Brazil when little Argel was born in 1974. That’s right – it’s a typo.
Argel is now a manager, and is currently in charge of Alverca in Portugal’s third tier. He officially changed his surname to Fuchs in 2020, which sadly means that FM22 players can’t make any more lame jokes about Argel Fucks. Oh, fu-
FABIÁN ASSMANN
We now go from a Brazilian manager to an Argentine ass-man… but this fella’s not quite ready to go into coaching. Fábian Assmann is a journeyman goalkeeper who has played in the Argentinian leagues for the best part of 15 years, excluding a couple of brief spells in Spain and Mexico.
Assmann started at Independiente, making 107 league appearances for ‘El Rojo’ and winning the Copa Sudamericana in 2010, when he was 24. Though he never quite reached those heights again, he is still going strong at age 36, playing for Defensores Belgrano in the second division.
While it might be some time before Fabián hangs up his gloves on FM22, you can still have a peek at his Long-Term Plans. As you would expect from a guy who’s literally named Assmann, he is “considering the possibility of taking up goalkeeper coaching once his playing career is over”. Oh.
JORDI CONDOM
Yeah, yeah, we all know what a condom is – but nobody knows exactly what it is named after. Some people say that the name comes from the town of Condom-en-Armagnac, in south-west France.
I mention that because Waasland-Beveren manager Jordi Condom was born in the summer of ’69 in Palamós, Catalonia – about 440 kilometres away from that French town. Now that Argel’s spoiled all our fun, Condom has become the butt of every giggly FMer’s smutty joke.
After an unremarkable playing career, Jordi began his coaching journey at Barcelona’s youth set-up. He’s since worked extensively in Belgium, and currently manages Beveren in the second division. With his tiki-taka philosophy, don’t be surprised if Condom comes to a EFL Championship club near you soon.
JAMIE CUMMING
On that note, let’s move on to Jamie Cumming. Yes, that is a legitimate British surname – likely of Norman origin, and nowadays fairly common in north-eastern Scotland.
Jamie, though, is a former England Under-19s goalkeeper who has been on Chelsea’s books since the age of eight. He hasn’t yet played for the senior team but has spent the last few seasons out on loan, most recently shacking up at Milton Keynes. While Cumming probably won’t threaten Edouard Mendy’s starting place at Stamford Bridge, a solid career in the EFL surely beckons for this 23-year-old.
Incidentally, there are a few famous faces with this surname. Alan Cumming is an award-winning actor, Craig Cumming played Test cricket for New Zealand, and Julia Cumming is the lead singer of the pop-rock band Sunflower Bean. (Caution: DO NOT search for “Julia Cumming” on Google – especially NOT while you’re at work!)
DANNY INVINCIBILE
Here’s one for the retro Championship Manager fans. Back in the year 2000, Swindon created a monster when they signed a young Aussie winger called Danny Invincible. Not only did he sound like a superhero from a 90s cartoon, but he played like one – he was VERY quick, full of energy, and pretty strong too!
Danny became a cult icon in both the Champ Man world and the real world. He made over 100 league appearances for Swindon, then played in the Scottish Premier League for eight years, mainly with Kilmarnock. Though he was capped by Australia at Under-20s level, he never made it to the full Socceroos team, and retired in 2013 aged 34.
Sadly, it later turned out that his name wasn’t actually Danny Invincible. His parents actually named him Daniele Invincibile – yes, he’s of Italian origin.
Danny Invincibile has spent the past decade or so in Thailand, where he is currently a coach at Bangkok United. But even with that extra ‘I’, he still has the best superhero name on FM22. (Sorry, Dennis Man.)
DIEGO MARADONA
The great Diego Armando Maradona passed away in November 2020, aged 60. However, his name lives on in Football Manager… and not just because his former club Napoli renamed their stadium for him.
Diego Maradona Petriaggi was a Brazilian winger named after Argentina’s legendary number 10 (incidentally, his brothers are named after Roberto Rivellino and Michel Platini). The former Brescia trainee made an appearance on Football Manager 2016, while playing for non-league side Corinthian-Casuals in south London.
After briefly turning out for Oxfordshire side North Leigh in 2017, Petriaggi moved to South Korea, where he is now a football coach. Though he’s not officially on FM anymore, his curious nickname is still in the database, so you may still encounter the odd Brazilian newgen called ‘Diego Maradona’.
There is actually another Maradona on FM22 – an Israeli forward called Diego Maradona Dibi, who is a free agent after previously playing for Beitar Ya’acov Haifa and Hapoel Ahva Haifa. He was born in 1987, when the original ‘El Diez’ was arguably in his prime.
MARX LENIN
Communism might have gone out of fashion in Europe in the early 1990s… but its influence was still going strong in Brazil a decade later. It’s fair to say that the proud parents of Marx Lenin dos Santos Gonçalves reckoned their newborn son would grow up to be a prominent left-winger.
Marx Lenin did indeed become an attacking midfielder… albeit more of the centrist variety. Despite being capped for Brazil at Under-15s level (and having some promising attributes on FM19), he was released from Flamengo’s youth team in early 2020.
Disappointed but not disheartened, Marx Lenin decided to take his manifesto to Russia – no, seriously. Unfortunately, he lasted just four months with second-division side Akron Togliatti, and has been without a club since February 2021.
NGUYEN THE HUNG
Nguyen The Hung might sound like a… well-endowed Vietnamese monarch, but there are TWO men with this name on the FM22 database. One of them is a teenage winger plays for Pho Hien in the second division. The other is an experienced central midfielder who is a free agent, having previously played top-flight football for (ahem) Dong Nai.
In Vietnam, just like in most East and South-East Asian countries, the surname comes before the forenames(s). In this case, Nguyen is the family name – and an extremely popular one at that (approximately 39% of Vietnamese have this surname). “The” and “Hung” are both regular forenames in Vietnam, where “Hung” means “brave”.
So yeah… Nguyen The Hung is essentially the Vietnamese version of Andrew Smith. Doesn’t sound quite so rude now, does it? Erm, okay, I guess it still does…
SHAQUILLE PINAS
The Netherlands is another great place to find great names, and this one’s a doozy. This former Den Haag and current Ludogorets Razgrad defender shares his first name with 90s basketball legend Shaquille O’Neal – and his surname with an infamous lyric from indie-rock legend Liz Phair: “You’re being a piñas… colada, that is.”
Pinas is another surname that might amuse some immature English minds, but it’s quite serious in Suriname. Indeed, it’s the third-most frequent family name in the former Dutch colony. Basically, it’s as common a surname there as Taylor is in England.
Unfortunately, I’ve not been able to find out if Shaquille is related to Brian Pinas, who signed for Newcastle in 1997, but left Tyneside without playing a single game. It was perhaps just as well, as The Sun’s editor joked that if the winger ever had to give his name to the referee, he would “get sent off for using foul language”.
Incidentally, Brian is now the manager of Feyenoord’s youth team. Yes, that means some of Holland’s best talents are indeed being coached by a Pinas. Insert your own punchline.
PITBULL
No, this isn’t the folically-challenged Latin hip-hop star otherwise known as Mr Worldwide.
Pitbull is actually a surprisingly prevalent nickname for Brazilian footballers (and, incidentally, MMA fighters). In past FMs, we’ve encountered the likes of Claudio Pitbull and Halef Pitbull… but there is one player on FM22 whose common name is literally just ‘Pitbull’.
A 24-year-old target forward, Leonardo de Oliveira Barbosa is a free agent on FM22. He was released by the mighty Vittoriosa Stars of the Maltese Challenge League in 2020, and so probably won’t have much global success any time soon. However, his unusual nickname may be passed on to an FM newgen, ideally one with a bald head and some natty sunglasses…
DICK REKKER
Oops, sorry! That’s actually Rick Dekker, who plays in defensive midfield for De Graafschap in the Dutch second tier. But his name did lead to an infamous spoonerism from legendary FM content creator Work The Space…
Of course, Dick was (until very recently) a fairly common boys’ name or nickname, not least in the Netherlands. Dick Advocaat famously managed the Dutch national team in three separate spells across three decades, while Dick Jol refereed the 2001 Champions League Final.
GERALD & RONALD SITHOLE
Gillingham may not be the most glamorous town in England, but don’t you think it’s a bit harsh that the Gills have TWO players called Sithole? 19-year-old winger Gerald broke into first-team this season, and his kid brother Ronald plays as a striker for the Under-18s.
You have to be think very carefully when spelling Sithole, not least because it’s a common name among the Zulu peoples of southern Africa. Sithole is the Zulu word for ‘we have found’, though the surname could also be derived from ‘isithole’, which means ‘calf’.
According to Forebears, Sithole is actually the 5th-most popular surname in South Africa (and the 7th-most in Zimbabwe), so you’re bound to meet plenty of African Sitholes on your FM saves. Just be careful not to cause any international incidents when you talk about them.
Finally, here’s another Brazilian newgen name that will make some FMers very superstitious… erm, I mean suspicious. But with Brazil being Brazil, you will find that there actually was a footballer from the samba nation named after the great American singer Stevie Wonder.
Despite the musical moniker, Steve Wonder Amaro Emiliano was always destined to be a professional footballer. His dad Marinho played as a winger for Brazil at the 1976 Montreal Olympics, and was capped 15 times in the 1980s.
Steve Wonder did not live up to his father’s reputation. Released by Botafogo as a teenager, the central midfielder played for several semi-pro clubs in Rio de Janeiro before dropping out of the game in 2016, while still in his mid-20s. He was still available to sign from free agency as recently as FM18, and his nickname can be passed on to any Brazilian newgens on FM22.
Naturally, some people will make the same old tired joke about how Steve Wonder should have very low Vision. As the ‘Vision’ attribute was previously named ‘Creativity’. I would argue that the real Stevie Wonder would actually have 20 Vision if he was an FM footballer. After all, he gave us such musical masterpieces as “Higher Ground”, “Sir Duke” and “Jungle Fever”.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this little journey through some of the biggest and best names in Football Manager. If you’d like to read more FM content here in the future, don’t forget to hit the ‘Follow’ button on the bottom of the screen and/or follow me on Twitter @Fuller_FM.
Until next time, thanks for reading!
Fuller FM 
You must be logged in to post a comment.